I'm mad at myself
by Genevieve
Summary: I know that I'm not supose to put this here, but I just want people to read it. If somebody tells me to take it down , I will. But just to let you guy know, this is how I feel tonight. (and pease forgive me for my spelling mystake. I didn't took the time


I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I feel abandonnated. I feel cheated. I feel a spot in my chest. I feel this thing that I can't say. I don't know why I don't say them. I'm worring my familly. My mom says that I'm the one that she the most worry about. Why ? Because of my dad.Why you ask well here.

My parents are divorse, it been about 3 years or so. I'm ok with that. I knew that had probleme and instead of both behing sad they dicided to split up. About two years ago my dad meet this woman Johanne. I'm sure your going to say ' I know were she going , she going to say that she hate the mean step-mother...' Well I'm not because Johanne is a very nice person. She become in a way a second mom. 

Anyway, like I was saying, my date started to date, everything was fine. Thet talked about moving together. I was ok with that. I really like Johanne, my older sister, Pascale too. So that was about a years ago. 

About six month ago they decided to move to an other house. To leave the place I lived for 8 years. This time too I was ok with it. Never saying anything that I thought. I looked at the positive side. The positive side was that maybe I'll make some trye friend.

You see I had friends, but they change, or is I how changed? I don't really know I was depress. Why I don't know. I never felt like doing anything. Maybe it was because of my sister because she was having problems with her anoracia. But I,m not sure. I didn't want to think about it, I blocked away. Maybe it was because of my dad because he was gambling and had a burn-out. But that time too I ignored it. Then there came my Step-mom, she had a depression. That tried my best to not think about it. And I managed to do so. By thinking that everything will be Ok. The positive way.

I was so absorbed of thinking about other things That I drefted away for my friend. So maybe I was the one who change. 

Back to why I'm mad at my dad. Like I was sating, Johanne and my dad Pierre decided to move. We would live in a nice house on the South side. But there were little problems in that. We have to move in about two month before the end of the scool years. My mom suggested that me and my sister live with her for that periode. Like ususal I accepted, and said nothing.

While that time , my Johanne depression got worst. She had to be brought in the hospital.Now you may be wondering why i'm mad at my dad, don't worry I'll get there. Just be patient , please. Anyhow, just as the school year finished, I was about to move in my new house. Johanne wasn't allowed to help in the move because it was one of the reason of her depression. So all of her friend , and family help.

When everything was ok , Johanne could leave the hospital and live with me , My sister, my dad and her Daugther Valerie who decided to live with us because she broke up with her boyfriend.

Well while that time My condition got better, when I was still at school I made a few friends, two of them were person in my old group who said that the others did change. When I moved in my new house I took a little resolution that I said to nobody. That I'm going to be Happy. That I won't feel a spot in my chest, that I'll make friends, that I do things That I always say that I,m not good at, tha I'll try.

During the summer I did that. During the summer I worked. Not the best job in the world, but a good job that A 14-year-old can do. Strawberrie picking. Anyway while I work my mind wonders because It 's was a boring job, but I told myselft I do it and not like last year where I only stayed 4 days. Anyway Like I sai my mind wonders, and I came up with a great ideal for a fanfic. I hope you guy know what it is. I don't want to explain it. And you know what? I'm my resolution I said to myself, I'll tri to do thing I never thought capable. Well I did, I wrote a fic, a digimon fic. Laught if you want but I'm proud of it. I just the fact that I wrote it made me feel better about myself.

Now I wrote during the summer, not as much as I would have like, but I did what I wanted to do. Now the new school years started. I started going to a new school. A private school, with my cousin. Hummm... no she not my cousin anymore. You asked me why? Well she is in fact the niece of Johanne, my step-mom. Well my ex-step-mom that is.

You see about a week ago, my dad had an affair with an other woman. Johanne been trought that once with Valerie's father, and didn't want to go truw again with my dad. So she did preparation to move. Today, was the moving day. My mom took me and my sister out to dinner to talk about. She know that we both really cae about Johanne, even if I don't show it. I'm not good at showing my emotion. I never cried infront of anybody. Not even when I was a little girl. I would alway be strong.

So anyway, my mom asked me and my sister of what we thought about what was going on. As usual, I wond't say much, just nodding my head at what my sister would say. My mom asked me , to me , what did I think. I said That I was mad , mad at my dad . That I didn't thought he was like that. I ended the conversation. My mom and sister started talking but I was more interrsted in my drink. 

They talked, and talked and yet again the convesation turned back to what was going on. I didn't wanted to hear about it and I looked at my neels, bloking, suthing them outside. My mom started rubbig my back, and said to me that I should share my feeling. Maybe not say them to them but to somebody. My sister said I should write it. So here is what I'm doing. 

On the way back home I hade to stop myself from cying. I managed. I hope my sister dind't notice. I knew that my voice failled me. 

I'm stopping myself from crying now, I know I should, cry but I can't. 

There one tear who just fell.

I wipped it away.

I'm mad

I'm sad

I'm fustrated

I feel cheated.

I feel a spot in my chest. I think it all the time I hold back my tears. It's hurts.

I,m mad at my dad, but I fact I think I,m more mad at myself. For keeping all of this insinde.

I couple more tears just feel.

I can hardly see the keyborad.

Hope nobody come in. I don't want to face anybody. I don't want them to think least of me. 

....

....

But I want somebody to read this.

Anybody..

Please, if you feel want I feel , If something like this happened , tell me.

I'm crying now.

I'm teling my emotion now.

I'm mad, I'm mad at myself.

.......

.......

-Geneviève


End file.
